Nothing's forbidden ...

I go way back.1984. 22 years old.

For all my life( at least as much a I can remember of it ) I have believed and still believe that mind is the only thing in your control. It is the one thing you can boast of complete power over. Yet at times the mind strays too.

Over the years I have avoided certain genre of circumstances, terrains where I felt I wasn't prepared to enter ...where I saw that people had found happiness... but then I went ahead and ventured into territories that were my own, where holding nothing in hand I felt as prepared as prepared could be.

Many a times,through this journey, I came across gardens...immaculate gardens...nurtured and blooming. Yet it never felt right to go in there and explore.
Until one day a gardner approached me and told me about how long he has been nurturing his garden and that I should come and take a peek, I need not stay but atleast give it a shot. I was also given the luxury of mulitple exits at multiple points in case I wanted to leave. Never had I thought I would take the step inside but the offer seemed as practical as it could get and definately not overwhelming, nothing I could not handle ... or so I thought.

So I walked in and what I saw was immaculate ..perfect beyond belief ... too good to be real. Never thought I would fit in and yet I kept walking with the belief that I would some day if I just walked the lanes .... I let go of my mind and it kept saying " It will grow on you ...give it some time". For once I choose not to control it ... :) .... mistakes that we make.

As it all sinks in and I walk further on the gardner tells me how well I fit in and how beautiful it all looks, I see the beauty around me and the joy in the eyes of the gardner and move on.

But soon enough as it all sinks in I see that the gardens are not mine to be, I belong to the jungles where I can make my path... move on in search of the light.

And when I look at that vision nothing seemed truer than the Exit board in sight.

I look at the gardner admiring his creation and wait for him to notice that I don't fit in his scheme of things and mine don't encourage his, but when the realisation seems to occur only to me, I shout out ... for it only seems natural. The gardner cannot understand for his immaculate garden can hold anyone forever.

I truly felt that I had done my bit, not promised beyond what I could offer and not taken anything I wasnt offered. There was no butterfly that I touched ... I just tread the path laid out in front but when I turned I saw the sprouts of bitter unfold, the gardner had receeded and blamed the blaze of his seedlings but I still saw the immaculate garden.

I was mistaken .. I should not have let my mind wander, should not have let it all be so practical... for what caused the gardner to burrow has ground me to dust.

Although I still see the beauty that lies and beacons from other terrains nothing could ever push me to go back to the immaculate gardens for the trip has left me numb ... not all of me but enough of me ... to keep me away from gardens ... immaculate as they may seem.

A little of this is emotion but my mind still drives me . I fucking hate me for allowing myself to be called a creator and a destroyer.... all in a day .. by someone other than me .