Shrouded!!

Redirect to my website

2008-07-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

This has been long overdue ...

I have shifted to my own site http://www.chaitanyasblog.com/ . Track me there !!

A lot more of my thoughts, opinions, views, works and news.

Happy Reading. :)

The sense in anything

2007-09-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Aimless trips to work, the mechanical drive from one parking lot to another. The nothingness when I look at all the riches.

That look that my eyes get when I realise that I am in the "Its now or never" phase. That greed that fills me, the wisdom that sometimes dawns, all the pretence, all this joy.The expected generalities about everything, the hidden truths about me and all.

All this hope that still floats, a bigger house, a trip abroad, sand between my feet ... the trek in the rain.

The breathing that gets heavier and fear to talk to my diary , madness of not accepting and the lie of living.This fake world that I sometimes hold, should just die.

This song my own ..

2007-08-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

Like a song life moves on
You either get caught up in the rhythm Or the lyrics catch your attention
You realize that focusing on both would make this Trip more enjoyable
But a conscious effort only makes things more complicated

And then a stage arrives where in trying to decipher the music
The chorus goes past
The tune becomes alien
You see the music other than that is in this song

You realize that despite the beauty in all the songs that touched you
You got to play your own beat
You got to tread through this joy alone
Through the high notes and the low ones
Each note bringing back memories
Memories of childhood
Melodies of the youth
Pitches that pushed you through those miles

A distant memory each stanza is held together in this scrap of paper
Soon it will be lost
Or discovered by a new generation
Buried under boulders
Surfacing one day amongst the flowers

..

2007-07-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

For all that I keep thinking
All that I hide
I blame you for not saying it aloud
Maybe I should not refrain

I wish I could say I was wrong
I wish proven right
I watch it all settle
With each tear of the rain

I fear the betrayal
More mine than yours
As I hesitate from promising

How I wish I could tell
How I wish I wouldnt even think
For wheres the point
Nothing that leads ahead

Wishing to let go
Let go of me
Let go for me
So with the rain I cry out loud
Look up and smile
Just as sunshine seeps through

Value for money

2007-05-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

A day of shopping with my mother, one thing that bothers me a lot of the times cropped up and refused to leave me.

My moms insistence to go to a lot of malls fell on deaf ears. Her logic being we finish the shopping under one roof . My logic - I can get the same stuff for ten times cheaper . At first it bothered me that all I was thinking about was the price.

But maybe its not my problem to bother, the purchase cycle for me is no longer about the search for quality or experience .. because everyone gives that .. its about the price.

So maybe its the brands that should be thinking ... they have to give me another criteria to choose.

Sony Pix

2007-05-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Whats worth talking about here.. well this channel gives the movie a personality, by giving out details wrt thefeature in visuals that are distinctive to the channel, it owns the piece like no other channel.

Content

2007-05-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

Surfing through the ten thousand odd blogs, you can see the creativity, thought and person reflected in each post. The evolution visible from the archives. Each brand blog distinctive, the latest obsession discussed, the individual shining through.

Delve a little deeper .. similarities in the thoughts expressed, is it the similarities between you and me or is it because of so much of the same information available freely?

Last Minute Syndrome

2007-05-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

It is true what my teachers in school used to say, if you are waiting to submit your answer paper last when you arn't writing anything, it's because you are unsure of the answer.

Works for everything in life, unsure of telling something to family.. wait for it to be the last minute. Unsure of quitting on a silly bet (when we all know its best to let go), wait till its absolutely necessary. unsure of calling someone in the night, wait till 4 am when its hardly night. unsure of apologizing, wait till the scars begin to turn permanent.

Now thats one way of looking at it !

2007-05-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of tour time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. Whats that, a bonus?!? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. You got to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last nine months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!! Amen."

-- George Constanza

The Game

2007-05-10T01:48:00.000-07:00

You give your best, you lose, you succeed, you wish you had pushed yourself to do little better in the last leg, you watch the spectators.

Series of games, a sport called life.

Each series makes you better, each person on and off the field effects you.

You slip, and you seek an encouraging look, someone else slips and you realize that despite everything we all are on the same team... even the spectators playing their own game in their own field.

Things complicate and you look for distractions, a face, a sign, a cheer.. the goal sometimes a distraction. You stumble and wish then for ten hurdles to come your way to prove yourself to self.

I am a speck in the field, a speck everyone’s looking at , a speck that wins.. that stumbles, a speck that looks at you, upon you.. for you.

A speck that may be your distraction, a speck you put all your hopes on, a speck that you look out for.

Bits .. Bites

2007-05-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

Ppts, Texting.. its everywhere .. bits of information.Tiny amounts "any" human mind can read , assimilate, remember and respond to.

The advertisers aren't ones to be left behind, capturing the essence of the product in as few words as possible.

The downside - although "The thump is here" so is a spate of stupidly hilarious punchlines put in way too few words.

What makes it worse is that these poorly phrased "punch lines" never leave you ...billboards, news papers, TV, they are everywhere.

What is needed is a understanding of how much is needed on paper.The short of it - its OK to add two more words to your campaign than have a confusing bit of information... let the prospective customer get a bite. :)
............
"Abhi -Aish karo" --Sumptuous Lunch Buffet
The punchline of a popular restaurant in Hyderabad

Medical Examination

2007-05-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

What is it about Medical Examinations that make me want to excel. No other exam in my life has this kind of effect on me, when it comes to a medical test I just have to have 6/6 vision, perfect hearing, perfect BMI , perfect teeth.

I still enjoy it when the dentist days "very good", and am willing to cheat during the eye test. I may not care about straight A's but if there is a Olympics for health I want to win it.

Creating a Relationship

2007-04-29T11:12:00.000-07:00

On one hand brands spend huge sums of money, energy and manpower to market themselves as truly customer oriented, on the other they overlook "glaring" details that make a customer experience complete satisfaction.

Case in point : shoppers stop

Once upon a time this mall was a fav for the experience it provided. It was the ambiance which brought the footfalls and the exclusive merchandise that kept the sales up.

Flash to now ... you drive in to see huge boards of "Owners are responsible for parking here" plastered on all visible pillars at the entrance and the message doesn't leave you till you leave the parking lot.

Walk in.. lacklustre service.. same old merchandise ... ohh but they do have a loyalty program happening ..sigh!!

I Found My Happiness

2007-04-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

I started this blog for one reason - to win a contest , revived it for some 10,000. Constant thinking, seeking answers, seeking questions, random deductions .

But on a day like today everything seems so meaningless, it feels like all the answers were one huge lie in front of the answer that I now have. An answer which holds no question, the power of which is pure .. its source equally true.

Suddenly the past has no reality, blurred images that change with every season.

There is no greater joy in life than knowing the purpose it presents .Memories fading, mistakes forgotten, self forgiven .. as I sketch the future in colour, the greys and blacks from way back fade into the whites of the background that I use.

Some answers just pop up from the least expected places .. like the title to this blog ( The punchline of a shaadi.com pop up )

:) cheers

Someone out there is watching.

2007-04-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

Mad traffic, crazy riders, 10 minutes for the train to depart - the traffic police gives you a pass and you silently say - Bless You.

A friend drops you right next to your vehicle in parking lot basement when he could have waited out and you cannot help but inwardly say a silent Bless You.

A long queue at the e-seva office, and you exchange your coupon with a retired gentleman so he could leave a half hour early and his eyes say it all - Bless You.

Thankfully it's still not always about hurrying through life.

And what did you know maybe this is why they say - someone out there is watching you.

Happiness despite ..

2007-04-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

The world crumbles to pieces, even the echo of which seems to be so far away ... way back in time and distance. All the discussions of religion, terrorism ... dark secrets within dissolve in new discoveries.

Discoveries you can live without, discoveries that will lead you to unlimited pain and discoveries that made the stars shine brighter, brought the moon closer.

A finality to the end and freedom to move on.

Everything closely guarded, incidents along the way goading you to stop from feeling too euphoric. Limits for joy that you drew.. promising never to cross.

Happiness despite..

Limitless happiness despite ... :)

Curious George

2007-04-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

Boredom can make you do strange things .. like watch reruns of crappy movies.
happened to see this animated flick "Curious George" .. a story of how one museum guide tries to save the museum from shutting down.

His brilliant plan being to travel half way across the world to find an ancient idol "Zagawa" to bring in the crowds.Now the point is instead of finding another piece of history and keeping it in a glass enclosure, wouldn't it have been a better idea to create an atmosphere that would draw the crowds.

People love to listen to stories that make the piece come alive.. e.g: "the Mona Lisa".. so much has been said about this piece of art and its creator that all the speculation all the hype draws the crowds. Not many people would be interested to see a coin from 1600 b.c, those already inside the museum could throw an glance its way - for most and rightly so its just a piece of metal.

For the visitors and the people standing outside making a choice as to whether to spend time in a museum as against a walk to absorb the culture.. a story of the origin and importance needs to be demonstrated - thinking provoked and a connection established by creating an ambiance around each piece.

Most likely the visitors are just curious passers by, or in the look out for a hyped treasure.In such a case no Zakawa is going to save the museum ... you need to enhance what you have to make it desirable.

Which incidentally is what happens in the flick and is probably what the curators should have focused on in the first place.

Alive and Kicking

2007-04-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Walking down the streets naked
No reason to smile, nothing to fear
If death were to embrace me - would I back away and run?
It wouldnt make much of a difference - live or alive

Yet those tiny hands hold me back
All fingers cluthing on to one of mine
Maybe its the joy that provoked the thought
But its sorrow that keeps me alive!

Bored

2007-03-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

Its been a month since I have been at home doing nothing. Experiencing a lifestyle that came highly recommended by a lot of my close friends.

Was fun for the initial few days.. the catching up on sleep, eating, watching TV (after such along time), reading and basically being more lazy than your body was happy to be.

Now I am just bored and worried that my brian cells may be dying.

...

2007-03-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

Its funny how some things mean so much to you that you constantly think about it and suddenly everything falls in place..the initial thought losing its power .. the new revelation intriging and research worthy.

As long as this happens life seems like a breeze.. ocmplications start, when a single thread of thought refuses to leave, when no answers fall in place and when the thought becomes so powerful that it draws other fillings of issues - until it becomes this giant question.

A question whose power can be dispelled only with a multitude of answers.

Mixed Doubles

2007-03-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

A stretch of poverty as I zoom from one "prosperous" part of the city to another

The life of doubles

Doubles of the will to stand your ground while the cliff awaits

Doubles of narratives filled with color set in the past

Existing with my own fading memories

Doubles of the alternative self

Doubles of writing to understand and failing to comprehend

Doubles of wishing for pain for fear of bliss

Doubles questioning how long we live - for today or forever

Haze

2007-03-05T05:11:00.000-08:00

When the world is gloomy
Held in haze
Smoke emerges from the homes
Nothing penetrates
No vision of where the path leads

Faces around me grieving
People aging as I see
The only trace of sanity – the face of the madman
The god within is out on sweet slumber

The dusk inspires a moonless night
Only the vague flicker in those eyes can bring my faith back

I try to jump hoping that the sorrow would bleed itself away
But the life blood has coagulated
Turning me to stone

A Penny

2007-03-05T05:06:00.000-08:00

Nothing of what we are comes easily, modesty, emotion, patience, perseverance...nothing we fall a thousand times over or soar with pride and only then do these actions become a way of living... they become me.

Circumstances in life give you nothing... maybe a vague direction but it is you who gets to carve a path. So is the serial killer justified in his choosing his path? Who decides whether he is justified in his actions... and whether at all one needs to decide that. If you do decide that he is right or wrong what credibility do you hold?...what circumstances drove you to decide that.

The butterfly effect of events is one theory – underestimated or estimated, I need to still figure out. The question at the end of all this is do circumstances drive a man/women to be who he/she has become or is the human driving his life to reach those circumstances. Are we wrong in weighing each situation ….are we right in looking out to the future way beyond necessary?

Madness

2007-02-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

There isn't much to say just a thought which plagues me so often ... not a recent phenomenon either.

Would it be madness if I want to just leave all the "wealth" all the "love" and all the "joy" to sit on the pavement of a street and watch life go by.

Would I be mad to think of just walking on forever , no belongings ..nothing to my name ..just me.

Would I label myself if oneday I do decide to take off and not return.

Save as Draft

2007-02-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

What must it be like to create a world different each time... mosaics of the same images placed differently. Making life happy or sad with each shift in arrangement.

What must it be like to change the images, own them, to sell them ... to build, create and offer it to the world ... so it is explored, destroyed and cherished.

2007-02-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

Is it the noise that woke me or was it the nightmare.

Sleeplessness is not the disease I fight…I fight the thoughts.

Thinking only built up the urgency contained in the initial trigger. Dizzying heights that do not answer any question.

The climb is resisted, for I view the easy way out. Yet the climb never breaks, as I wish to reach a point where it all ceases to matter …everything. Higher up higher up...just a little more.

I failed to realize that the power of the thought was lost long ago... lost in all the answers that I discovered...lost in all the alternatives, lost in all the easy ways out.

Standing uplifted I am not sure what I gained ….

Love in first sip!!

2007-02-10T00:43:00.000-08:00

The pleasures of being a foodie never cease.

My latest discovery - Sake served in the most exotic "chokos".

After soo much of "Sake- Japanese Wine" "Sake-Hot or Cold" on Discovery Travel and Living it was about time I tried some.

With a subtle taste and clarity of water this fluid soothes and warms :). Served slightly chilled it is a very refreshing summery drink with a slight dry finish.

Cheers to new discoveries..cheers to Sake!!

About me

2007-02-02T00:36:00.000-08:00

About me: I don't let my mouth say nothin' my head can't stand
About me: I rock
About me: Read my testimonials
About me :Happy and cheerful
About me: Responsible, independent.
About me: Singer,writer, cool and composed.

And I become your friend and you mine
For I longed for the peace of mind.
You seemed so sure
How was I to know
Your battles within

I estimated ..over and under
Took a step
Only to know
You are not as strong as I thought

About me!! you declare
I was fooled with those shiny eyes
Knowing u brought a smile
Until the mask .. just fell

I ain't what you see
Then how did i expect you to be
The strength wasnt false
But this weakness is also as true

Wrapped in happiness we all stand
Here's an about me!!
I ain't what you see.

Need I go anywhere else!

2007-02-01T03:37:00.000-08:00

Always advocated that this is my country, my people.
This is where I belong ... belong the most.

Prying eyes shatter all that .... you don't have to be an outsider, a foreigner.. to feel the sense of not belonging.

Look across the road, does that couple really care?Does the rich man in his car look at you or anyone else for that matter. Are you not just a money source for the rickshaw guy.
You could cry a river and no one would bat an eyelid, roar with laughter and yet continue to see only tired eyes and broken bodies around.

Nobody draws anything from you, nobody gives you anything.

Its then .. that nothing comes to your mind, no home, no friends, no lover,no memories ... nothing .. it just takes a moment to realise what you were so strongly conditioned to believe against.

You realise that the depth of distance between you and me stretches to eternity.

You realise that you are alone ... alone against the millions of others like you.
Searching..

Just talk!!

2007-01-31T21:18:00.000-08:00

"Tell me something you have not told me before!!" this question from a new found friend not only left me a little surprised but also made me think.

Think.... when was the last time that I talked with anyone ?? I mean really talk..no communication, no ulterior motive, just pure plain simple talk. aimless conversation spanning the new things in life, the news, my dreams, childhood incidents, gossip, anything.

For a very long time as I came to realise, I haven't been talking I have been communicating .. text messages planning dinner, e-mails asking or providing someone some help.
Mechanical conversations during the drill of eating, where my mind would stray about how to manage the 6 hours of sleep I promised myself.

Any talks in a group being very safe communication - about work, the food or some news. No time for discussions.

The 3-4 hour long calls I used to enjoy are dreaded for it eats away my time for reading, gathering information, analysing the pros and cons, weekly cleaning, new music.

But whats the point of such analysis which I cannot share. Whats the point when all your friends feel like you have no time.Whats the point when life is dictated by a lot of truncated "luv u's". Whats the point when all you are doing is presenting your best to the world so much that you start fearing not being perfect even with your friends.

I have become so prone to "communicating effectively" that my work is always done a day before the dead line, I can fit the newspaper and magazine reading, complete the cleaning, plan the home trip perfectly 2 months in advance, go for the long walks, plan the day to give everyone sometime.All work done ... yet so much given up.

A few months ago I used to be all over the place talking with every friend talking till the jaw hurt.Now I am"not to be seen" and never available to the people I really like.

In the quest to gather the latest in news, business and music I almost forgot, to talk.

Movie Review ..

2007-01-28T01:24:00.000-08:00

If the wonderful trailers and Radio Mirchi's insistent gyan on "Salaam e Ishq" have not convinced you to see this movie, maybe this post would be the little encouragement that you need.

The reasons you should watch this movie:

1. You feel so blessed to own an i-pod, (in my case I was just happy I borrowed one)
2. You realise that those tiny clip on lamps that you use during train journeys to read books can be a wonderful accessory when going to cinema.
3. All the asprin in your medicine kit, which was nearing expiry..wont go wasted anymore.
4. You get an opportunity to try cheese,tomoto,butter,caramel popcorn in the same film-span.(the movie is a wonderful 4 hours long)
5. It is the only movie where you can take a nap or more and yet not miss a thing.

The only problem, it might be difficult for you to get the tickets.

Twelve people.Six stories. One problem ... aaaargh

Let there be Light..

2007-01-24T22:46:00.000-08:00

Time is known to change a lot, make you forget, move on,become responsible...mature. but time makes you selfish too, calculative,egoistic and selfish.

You want to help and you keep giving, but someone on top of you shows you these things .. things which make you wonder .. what am I doing wrong or more importantly why do they think I am wrong?

Is it wrong to help somone when they need support.All that was given were a few words of reassurance, a vision of what awaits and what can be. a push that keeps others from stumbling wher you stumbled before.

A few years ahead of me and you tell me that what I do is wrong.. that it's not the way things work.

Its suffocating in here,
I choke ...
Let me free...Let me be.
I am no harm ..
Neither is this person with me
Keep the ego aside for someone who has yet to arrive

We all need to find our path, but when someones gropping in the the dark isnt it right to show the light.. do you want no one to see ..

Don't turn off the lights... is it the light you fear that someone will see or is it the darknss in your soul you don't want to shine glorified.

Let there be light.... for what shone in you is dimming.

The curse of packing ...

2007-01-24T02:31:00.001-08:00

The one thing I hate .. utterly hate... is the cleaning up and packing that comes along with shifting base. Suddenly the city u were in a hurry to leave never felt so much like home.

Its nightmare after nightmare what with the maids harressing you with theirinsistent 7:30 a.m attempts to tidy up the room for the next occupant , followed by your own "discoveries" of some ten thousand things you needed just a day ago and another ten thousand which you couldn't find and so bought a new one So now you have pairs of relatively useless stuff to pack.

Its also when u realize that all the cardboards conveniently left on top of cabinets have become breeding grounds for cockroaches. And that you have only two suitcases when u have enough stuff to fit 4 suitcases, 2 air bags and a trunk + the desktop..Ofcourse.

To make things worse ... more stuff keeps piling up ..with all the going home shopping.."Oh!! I will never find this in Hyderabad for such a price."

The positives ... I now know how the room really looks like ..with all the heaps of cloths gone..and I found my long lost pair of sneakers ..in someone elses room undergoing the same drill.

Pune you are....

2007-01-24T01:50:00.000-08:00

Another month and the time would come for me to leave my home for two years.
Pune.

It was so easy to shoot down any chance Pune had.

Bad roads
Bad traffic
Ohh! gawd the pollution
Why is everyone so mean
Damn this language ..what are they saying about/to me
Movie ticket prices
Screen Sizes .....

But sometimes .. love takes time .. and I never came to realise when Pune grew on me. The exact moment could be traced to dreamy trips at 1 a.m to Lavasa, dinners at Fat Kong, the addiction to Bakers Delight coffee ,the brisk walks to e-sqaure to catch the early morning show or the subscription to "I love Ratna(Hotel)" community.

Pune will never be what Hyderabad or Mumbai are to me.But it comes close. Close because I will miss the countless moments of my firsts .. my first trek, my first real drink, the place that showed me the world when I dint even know.

A lot of firsts and even more repeats.

Heres to you Pune ..
Because Hyderabad was and will be
Mumabi will never leave me
but Pune you are ....

Closed

2007-01-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

Sleep walking through life
The only witness ... closed eyes

Each day a reminder
Each day a struggle to forget
I apologize over and over to me
Willing the glow back
My inner glow

Over working or blocking away
Creating a mind where the past cannot stay
Yet I am the same ...its me
Cant you see ...
Me
Only ... Five years away

Did I win ..

2007-01-08T23:18:00.000-08:00

Ever since I had decided to go on a no feelings trip, everything seems to be challenging me. But I have won in my experiment. Yet unlike any other victory this left behind a calm numbness.

An old man awaited my approach to the trafficlights everyday. Every morning I would give him a few slices of bread and fruit. It was by far the most humbling experience.. The look of greed, gratitude, hope, fear and hunger in those tired eyes, said so much.

Its been four days since I haven't seen the old man. Everyday I approach the crossroads hopeful .. For wat.. i dunno.

Today it felt so mundane ... what difference did it make.Maybe this is how it feels ... the soul hitting pain that you have allowed yourself not to feel.

The numbness towards it all ... something left me a few days ago, but it cannot compare to the emptiness I feel today.

But life is easier this way and I will get used to it. Did I win... no ...

I hope I am proved wrong at the end of this experiment I hope I can still feel.I hope my logic betrays me I hope I allow heart over mind ... but not just yet... not till it has proven itself.

Why cannot Today be a Sunday!!

2007-01-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

One of the most appreciated luxuries when you start working - Sunday!!! Ahh the bliss of sleeping late (which in my case would be 9 a.m) and the hours of lazing under the canteen's asbestos sheet ( if we ignore the fact that all the renovation makes it look like the demolished set of "Kabul Express") .

Come monday ... the day begins with characteristic symptoms of foot in mouth disease (which btw NEVER goes so well when you are not around friends) .

I am on this whole trip of "Hello Mr. X I am J.Chaitanya Reddy ... need to ask you a few questions for my research .. blah blah " and the interview seems to be going pretty well when I go on and ask his opinion on about how dalalgiri has thankfully been slowly itching out of the real estate market, only to realise that I am talking to a Mr. E.M Dalal.

Damn ...

Mind over Heart

2007-01-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

A lot of headaches are a result of letting the heart rule the mind.

But if we forget the feelings and do just the thinking, life would be so much more easier While a thinking mind allows space for laughter,tragedy invariably creeps in if the heart is allowed to interfere.

So much madness can be avoided if it is just thought and ... well no feelings.

Yeah yeah a lot of counter arguments can be made but when u can live every moment without emotional baggage who cares.In the quest to find a perfect balance of heart and the mind, this seems to be the most convenient respite.

happy new year

2007-01-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

local transport serves many purposes.. not only do you reach your destination safe-ly, you also get to view the world in a completely different light. its a time to observe the local junta, the little known "famous outlets" and ofcourse laugh your head off at a few of these:

"Marry christmas and a happy new year"
"Open seven days a week and weekends"
"Safe -ty on road = safe-tea at home"
"Todays special - No icecream"
"Be a careless overtaker and you’ll meet the undertaker."
"Indians ar everywhere. :) How did they get there? :) . - Srilankan airlines" -- Am mot kidding thats their billboard

hmmm ... public education wat say!!

2006-12-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

If time is a great healer
Why does is slip by
The ghosts reoccur
When everythings vanishes
The vision stays

It leaves me wanting
Everything that never was
The fireworks have paled
Like all the senses

Engulfed in depths
That light cant see
Pain that refuses to subside
I find it difficult to speak

Choking on reality
I smile,
For laughter comes easier
I Need no physical proof
Just a trail of wisdom and truth

Shrouded Inside

2006-12-04T20:59:00.001-08:00

The play of words in my mind
Is more than confusion
Through the swords of conversation
Each word lashing

I dont dodge
The crisp break in air
Leaves warmth on my skin
I smile for soon I would be smiling at a stranger
A promise or a hope
Anything ... better than a grope in the dark

The shroud has moved
Filling me with emptiness
Engulfing every desire
As the self weeps
Mine to know

But what keeps my soul alive
Will keep me warm through the cold
The silver thread will not break
For I am alive

Love is the Magic

2006-12-02T06:27:00.000-08:00

When the day unfolds
And I wish you were mine
I see the world
Carefree as it could be

When the sky turns white and sunlight floods
In my daylight dream I smile in delight
For I am hugged by the love
As I wish you were mine

The moon to my left and sun on the right
I see the warmth and wish the chill away
I believe in what I do
So one day our shadows would be one
As i wish you were mine

You fill the roads I travel and the pictures I click
I believed so long
And strongly still
One day it will happen when I see you as you do me
As I wish you were mine

I could die today with a smile
For I saw that it is all true
As my feet soaked the joy
I was yours all the time
As I wish you were mine

The soul that kept wishing
Saw the burning light
And killed the numbness
As I wish you were mine

Never saw it coming never saw it leave
Thought it had gone
Yet hope stayed behind
Love is the magic it showed
As I wish you were mine

Soap Bubbles

2006-11-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

States of mind ... ruled over by me ... sometimes aborted just to resurface. The head spins in joy as I move along on a trip of contradictions.

Happiness is what I choose to surround me .. rushes in my hair and mind as I let go and laugh.

The battles all fought till I bleed .. the war yet to be mine. contention within ...
I dont believe I have been the the best warrior but I fought my battles .. untiring and hopeful.

And I remained happy, for the victories were mine forever while the defeats left wounds that would never turn raw again ... sheilding me at places forever.

Content I will be when I win the war ..not the battles with the outside but the war that is building within.
Along the way much of me would be lost, much found so much would get killed to be replaced by what I will bear.

Until then I develop and remain happy for being content is the ultimate .... while happiness .. well happiness can be found in soap bubbles.

One spirit to another

2006-11-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

You are the one
You are the one
Reason for my happiness
Leaving me in sweet daze

You are the one
I shed tears with you
You made me feel light
Happily dazed or insanely mad
You stayed with me
You are the one

The one who stood through the thick
You are the one
You made me lose control
You made me show
The side I kept hidden

You are the one
Kept me company when I left me
You are the one I loved so
Never liked you before
Nor those around you

But I fell
And kept falling
For you are the one
Who made me let go

But then I want me
And not you
I want me back
And not a reason to have you

For you are the high spirit
That keeps the others going too
But I am a free spirit
Who now doesnt need you

So I say
You were the one
But I quit now
So screw you

Where is home

2006-11-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

Have never been good with farewells. I dont miss the moments as much as the people.Moving on in life with so much lost, the days are filled with nothing to look forward to.

I see the splendor of beauty where people dwell, the gardens, the trees, the lake .. all moving away. The dream lies delayed and loved ones abandon me don't they see the pain that I hide.

Imperfect life which I try to mould..... moves ahead betraying. I stray in seach of home ... my home. Not a soul to my name not a tear I can claim ... slow death.

Life moves on but I think whats the purpose ... nothing mine yet, patience dying, no will nemore. Placed where I dont belong ...cant quit now ...dont really want to.

Will move on, for the quest cant be left half undone.
believing when others have givin up, alone I tread
hoping to prove to myself that I was right
yet suddenly I feel drained and weak .

The wait was killing me so I shot myself.
Thought i would arrive but killed the chance.

Where is home where is My Home.

Nothing's forbidden ...

2006-11-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

I go way back.1984. 22 years old.

For all my life( at least as much a I can remember of it ) I have believed and still believe that mind is the only thing in your control. It is the one thing you can boast of complete power over. Yet at times the mind strays too.

Over the years I have avoided certain genre of circumstances, terrains where I felt I wasn't prepared to enter ...where I saw that people had found happiness... but then I went ahead and ventured into territories that were my own, where holding nothing in hand I felt as prepared as prepared could be.

Many a times,through this journey, I came across gardens...immaculate gardens...nurtured and blooming. Yet it never felt right to go in there and explore.
Until one day a gardner approached me and told me about how long he has been nurturing his garden and that I should come and take a peek, I need not stay but atleast give it a shot. I was also given the luxury of mulitple exits at multiple points in case I wanted to leave. Never had I thought I would take the step inside but the offer seemed as practical as it could get and definately not overwhelming, nothing I could not handle ... or so I thought.

So I walked in and what I saw was immaculate ..perfect beyond belief ... too good to be real. Never thought I would fit in and yet I kept walking with the belief that I would some day if I just walked the lanes .... I let go of my mind and it kept saying " It will grow on you ...give it some time". For once I choose not to control it ... :) .... mistakes that we make.

As it all sinks in and I walk further on the gardner tells me how well I fit in and how beautiful it all looks, I see the beauty around me and the joy in the eyes of the gardner and move on.

But soon enough as it all sinks in I see that the gardens are not mine to be, I belong to the jungles where I can make my path... move on in search of the light.

And when I look at that vision nothing seemed truer than the Exit board in sight.

I look at the gardner admiring his creation and wait for him to notice that I don't fit in his scheme of things and mine don't encourage his, but when the realisation seems to occur only to me, I shout out ... for it only seems natural. The gardner cannot understand for his immaculate garden can hold anyone forever.

I truly felt that I had done my bit, not promised beyond what I could offer and not taken anything I wasnt offered. There was no butterfly that I touched ... I just tread the path laid out in front but when I turned I saw the sprouts of bitter unfold, the gardner had receeded and blamed the blaze of his seedlings but I still saw the immaculate garden.

I was mistaken .. I should not have let my mind wander, should not have let it all be so practical... for what caused the gardner to burrow has ground me to dust.

Although I still see the beauty that lies and beacons from other terrains nothing could ever push me to go back to the immaculate gardens for the trip has left me numb ... not all of me but enough of me ... to keep me away from gardens ... immaculate as they may seem.

A little of this is emotion but my mind still drives me . I fucking hate me for allowing myself to be called a creator and a destroyer.... all in a day .. by someone other than me .

confused ramblings

2006-10-30T21:09:00.000-08:00

so much of what u read in books is what u want in life ...but i guess thats wat books are for to give u an alternate life ...to imagine.... for maybe in reality all that never happens.

we wish for a certain things to be a certain way coz we always picturised it over and over again . success, wealth, hope despair love evrything should be a certain way.

it should be but is it??

a lot of maybe's fill life and we make choices hoping we are right.as i write this post i wish with all my heart that the choices i make today are all for the best, for i am confused like never before. and this time i dont want to take charge and make things to be a certain way for if it is right it will be the wy i wnt it to be on its own without my interference.

What am I so happy about??

2006-10-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

"What are you so happy about??" ...nothing in particular.

"Are you always genuinely this happy all the time ?" ...frankly yes.

Not because everything is perfect in my life.

Some things hit you when you just cant take anymore of thinking..... when you are sick of all the "me time" that you spend searching for answers.

From your end my life would be pretty normal (even undecided), I may be going through involuntary existance but actually it is just the opposite ...voluntary existance in an involuntarily given life.

We are confronted with a magnitude of things,sometimes immense love and sometimes seething hatred.But you can make the choice of being sour and unhappy or practical and happy.Its really of no use thinking of things long gone, all that matters is the future which is the only thing you can truly look forward to.

I am not happy because I have it all, but because I know what is and what is not and what can be, I am not happy because I have zero worries but because I now truly realize there is much more grief that surrounds the people who surround me.

There is no option in life... you can let go of a lot to capture what really matters or hold on to something that doesnt exist anymore and trade off a lot that could have been.

Things could have been better..or worse, who knows...why speculate,all I can mould is the future no point being unhappy now ..is there. :)

The thing with needs...

2006-10-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

Whenever things are unattainable it is the sole obssession of our lifes...and we do all we can and cannot ...above and beyond to attain that.

When the object comes closer we lose our sight to something else...but continue just coz we promised ourselves that we will achieve it,although dying to move on evn before we have reached.

And when we do reach that place we strangely want to return to where it all began.

Leaving a place and moving on brings with it similar feelings. There is the whole craving to be someplace else and when you finally begin the journey u wish u had not started coz so much lies here that u wouldnt want to let go .....dont want to lose sight of.

Thats the thing with needs.....once fulfilled they leave a void of another kind....and dont have the same appeal anymore, for they are no longer unattainable and become the source of another need.

If only we knew.

2006-10-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

What would I have done differently?....Maybe nothing
Do I regret anything? Yes quite a lot of things....

There are a lot of possibilities, lots of opportunities that we give up...for whatever reasons. All this shouldn't matter, for it is all in the past ...It shouldn't but It does.

All of us have ghosts from our past haunting us time and again....consciously unconciously.

A stroll on a sunnny day after zillions of walks in the night makes you see what you desperately sought to ignore.

Yet I cant help thinking....I have been misunderstood ,by others and by myself at times.....but then again sometimes even I never tried to understand.For everything that I gave up there was someone who lost more than me....for everyhting someone gave up I fell back in the race.

Maybe we would have not done anything differently, for all that we chose to do is well thought of .But we would have not given up on a lot of things, if only we knew.

Black and White

2006-10-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

Birth cannot necessarily be a happy affair and death is not necessarily a moment of sorrow.

For as long as we can fog a mirror.....something in us will be born each moment even as something else dies simultaneously.

However, like a lot of things nothings remains black or white.

You shed silent tears for all the good in you that you promised never to let go and smile through all the "right answers".

Quarter gone

2006-10-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

So much never seen
So much never heard
Such a small life
Already quarter gone
When will I indulge
When will the mole work
When will the tents open
Which butterfly will I touch

When will the haze cover me
and sweep me into invisibility
When will I find the nook

Hot coffee need I share
or rest and sleep in blissful daze

And more

2006-10-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

I lived in a fairytale
and rightly so...for I was a
child with whimsical hope

Dew descends or I rise
a lot lies replaced
fairytale no more

Yet I believe and continue
to cherish
my fairytale will fill a lifetime
and more

Wishful thinking ..whimsical thoughts
in the end thats all that matters....
.......Thoughts

I wish I had chalked them down
more often...kept a record
so I could look back and
become a child again....
careless, free, wiser
..........And More

Why we love children

2006-10-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

When we are in the present so much zooms past un-understood.

Wisdom catches on with thoughts of the future and past.Children take away such a huge chunk of our affection precisely for this reason,for it is in them that we see our past and future culminate.

And this is why we teach them all that we wish was told to us, we show them all that fascinated us in our lifetime, we infuse in them the concept of infinity.....with the hope that it keeps their craving for knowledge going and their quest for life happily unsatiated.

And yet everything happens for a reason.

2006-09-28T10:58:00.003-07:00

Knowingly we do so much...things that are better left alone.So much of life is wasted on the trivial.

Things,beings....judged..unjudged,things that seem so mundane...done...undone.

Confusion where clarity could so easily have prevailed.We keep collecting trivia,knowing it is of no consequence, really.

My mind asks me to talk to you, but my soul cannot accept.My eyes refuse to look up and into.

I am not sorry, just puzzled.Why do i even bother.

And yet everything happens for a reason.

E-square

2006-09-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

If you stay in Pune you must have heard of this place.Music, books , people, movies, Gift shops,People.....:) happening all day long.

Although , I have a totally different E-square in mind.The kind that only half the population (well almost) of the world gets to experience.And probably very few of them are aware of it.

I am talking about E-square = Estrogen Emotion.

Every lady goes through it, mostly unaware...attributing the changes in behaviour to a bad day.
Surprisingly though a lot of men seem to know about PMSing.Not that it is a bad thing...in fact it is rocking, if and only if they do more than just know, if they understand and not attribute every single emotion as a "side effect".

So if it is a man reading this you might consider to reconsider a lot of things.Whereas if you a women reading this and thinking E-sqaure has never affected me maybe you should reconsider too.

Rock on.

Milestones.

2006-09-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

Each culture has a certain expectations from its individuals. Women in India are expected to know a few things for sure and be of a certain type.It works likewise for men also (ofcourse).

However as times progress there is a shift from what is expected from the same individuals.... it shifts from being gender specific to being more...well individual centric.

We are programmed and therefore expected to hit a few milestones over our lifetime.Our lifetime has its definition to the world outside by means of some of these milestones that we have achieved and by some that we are yet to achieve.

But do we really want to hit these milestones...how strong is our urge to move away....to seek a path with zero milestones,only levels that the mind should achieve.

Break...

2006-09-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

All of our lifetime is spend exploring .... as children we explored nature, as teenagers we explore our boundaries.Early twenties is a difficult phase as you start to discover that so much of what we explored is true and a more of it false .

At this time of life you want to do so many things ...things that you know you could not do as a child but need to do right now or else you may never truly appreciate them.

Silly things really...you sometimes wish for a heartbreak...to really know what is it that so many people around us talk about..to know if you can really practice what you preach.And then one day all the wishing , comes true.... and then heart break happens even before joy even begins to fill you.

ha ha

All you can then really do is laugh out loud .......not knowing which is worse....the acceptance that so much you wished against all odds to work did not, or that you would never know what certain words mean......ever.

When Farmers die....

2006-09-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

My grandfather took care of a family of 12 using 45 acres of land, 1 bore well and a lot of hard work.
Flash to today …….the acres remain the same, hard work is replaced by more hard work, prosperity replaced by drought and the farmers no longer harvest income …they harvest Death.

Crushed by circumstances beyond their control the life of the Indian farmer and his family has turned highly fragile. To add to all this, this year brought with it reports of hunger death. One more bad season and a lot more than the food providers would be lost, we would lose their trust and faith.

Twenty-five thousand farmers have committed suicide under these circumstances since 1997. In the state of Andhra Pradesh alone, 4,500 farmers have committed suicide in the past seven years. This does not include the number of family members of farmers who have also killed themselves. Things are not so bad as they may seem …..they are Worse.

The result of years of onslaught from all fronts…faulty seeds, the green revolution that rendered the soil useless, move from food crops to cash crops, government policies, lack of subsides, lack of transportation, lack of direct selling opportunities, poor rains, steady erosion of local democratic system, worsening rural employment, collapse of the agriculture credit and finance systems have pushed the farmers to protest….an ultimate protest against a society that shows no concern.

As citizens we need to show more concern and protest against the injustice met. The recent move by the Maharashtra government to provide the effected families with top bred cows is a step towards more destruction. what the farmers need is not another mouth to feed but more reliable seeds, subsidies, better logistics, guarantee of employment.

The only ray of hope is the involvement of corporate's…… for a lesser exploitation is better than complete destruction.

The Reason..for the blog

2006-09-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

So much lies within us ...so much of it goes untold .